Sophie's 3rd Birthday!

Last night I crept into her room and looked at her. Her last night sleeping as a two year old. That got me. I can remember with great clarity the circumstances surrounding her birth. I remember her perfectly shaped head and her beautiful strawberry blonde hair. She was so tiny and still so perfect. I remember when I discovered I was pregnant. It was a huge shock and was months before I believed it to be true. Watching her play at the park this morning was kind of surreal. That same feeling of, "I still can't believe she is here". In the last three years, I have been blessed in ways I can't begin to recount appropriately. Just as a mom of a living child I have the joys and moments that so many women long for. Sophia has so much spunk and so much life in her, it blows me away that this child was the very child that was removed from my belly with no breath and no heartbeat. That she is the child that took several attempts and instruments just to keep her here.

Sophie Grace is a child that it takes several reminders to get her moving most of the time, especially if she is doing something or is somewhere she loves like today at McDonald's. I must have asked her to come 5 times and she kept saying, "just one more minute mom". With that I like to believe that her experience of coming into the world from her eyes is no different then that. Some believe that before we come to be born we are in heaven with God and loved ones...it's a thought I love. So maybe, just maybe the moments that the nurses and doctors were working on my girl...she was dancing in heaven with Jesus - saying, "just one more minute, one more dance!" - - She is such a sweet sweet babe - and I know that there is great purpose to her life. She will face her challenges and road blocks - but today it is with deep gratitude that I say "Thank you" - Thank you God for letting her have one more dance - and better yet - thank you for allowing me the gift of many!!!!

Happy birthday Sweet Sophia Grace!!!

Shutting up and listening

You know those times when so much is going on around you that it is so easy to stress and forget to breathe! This is one of those times for me. There is so much to my life right now...and it eases at times and heaves at others. Today has been a day, a reminder that even in our comfort, when we think we make a step in the right direction that something can come along that causes a stumble. Be it big or little it makes you question, "why life is the way it is?" - which is so frustrating to me. That is not a question I ask! I have never really been one to say, "why me? why this?". I have just accepted that there is beauty in it, whether I see it or not and understood that it was not for me to understand. Strange as that is, it's true!! Daily I am struggling with my ability to overthink everything. It is a testimant to my philosophical personality, BUT also a HUGE weakness! It can paralyze me at times and make so much noise for me that it's hard to hear my spirit...it's hard to know how to move, let alone where to move or just how to do it.

In truth, I want no more than to be an instrument, a tool - and in some reflection time I forced after a few very stressful moments this morning - I realized that I am just that....how much I am used is up to me. It is easy to say I want to be there...in that smooth place that glistens and is pretty. The one that smells nice and sounds even better, but the reality is that to know who I am, to learn what my life and legacy will be is in this mess!! And wow - what a fine mess it is!!!! I am giving it up Lord - - just bare with me!!!

Happy Memorial Day!

Just thinking about the many men and women serving our country right now and all those that have in the past. We were discussing wars and such at the table at lunch and it really helped to bring home the point to Bella that our freedom is not free! My father served as an Lieutenant in the US Navy when the Vietnam war was still just a conflict and I remember conversations with him about his feelings on the military. He was so proud to have served his country and had such stories and history to share I just wish I would have had the foresight to ask him to write them down and more importantly thank him! I mean really thank him. I don't think that I ever truly did. He knew that I enjoyed listening and that I loved looking at the slides he took and always remarked about how handsome he looked in his whites, but I never said thank you!!! So while I can't say it to my father I can say it for those now serving and those that will come to serve- Thank you! Thank you for choosing my freedom over your freedoms, for putting my needs ahead of your own personal gain, for selflessly willing to risk your own life and your family's well being. Thank you to those wives and husbands, children and parents who stay behind and struggle so that I can go to a church of my choosing, practice my faith, raise my children and live in a country that, for the most part, treasure's human life. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! From the bottom of my heart - Thank you!

Missing

Zeke went missing for about two hours today. He got out of our back gate and was gone. Bella was devastated, to say the least! We drove around a great deal and finally got a call from someone caddie corner to us who found him and was holding onto him for us. Bella couldn't get there fast enough!!! It was so wonderful to see how thrilled she was to see him. She spent the hour after loving on him like crazy!!! So happy he is home! Thank the good Lord!

Best big sister in the world!!

Sophie had been napping and when she woke Bella went in to get her. Soph immediately just cuddled up to Bell's shoulder and konk'd back out!!! Bella is such a terrific sister!!!

5 more words today....

THANK GOODNESS FOR GREAT DOCTORS!

5 words today....

Sophie Grace can be exhausting!

Friends

I have been very blessed to have so many wonderful friends. Some of whom I don't talk to daily and almost all of which do not even live in the same city, let alone the same state. Today I was reminded what the Godly sense of a friend is - someone who seeks to lift you up or restore you, not anyone who wants to embarrass, judge or expose you. Gossip is something I don't have a great deal of patience with. It seems to be something that dictates the days for so many and drives individuals to do and say things that can be hurtful, whether they think the person they are discussing freely knows or not. Ultimately, any relationship where one person is busy looking for the things wrong in the other party has no chance in being healthy. I know that we often look to what others may say or do and pick it apart, so that ultimately we can, in some gory way, bring glory to ourselves. We really are a selfish people....we get so engrossed in things as we know them, that we may be overlooking when people in our lives just need an ear or hug.

So, in this, I just want to say Thanks guys! I have been so blessed with so many wonderful friends in my life - - friends that truly work to restore me! You are an amazing people and I am so thankful for you guys. You know who you are!

What struggles may come

The past months have been filled with a great many emotions. There are days that I definitely handle what's been given to me with a little more grace then others. There are facets to my life that are ever present, although temporary, always there. No attempt to run, mask, or think them away will keep them from existance.

Soph is enduring some sort of battle - not entirely sure what it is just yet, but looking at many avenues. She's just not the same joy filled girl right now. I have found myself so much over the years just staring at the girls. I am constantly amazed by the work God does, how truly perfect, in their own way, each of them is.....I memorize almost every angle to their face, each freckle and every scar. With Soph, of late, I notice I am watching her more. I look at her face and just watch as she focuses on something. I try to imagine what is running through that little brain, almost imagining the wheels turning. I think to myself, "if only it were that easy". To be able to "read" exactly what she needs and provide it for her, how wonderful that would be, but then I immediately realize that to do that, would be a disservice to her, to whatever she must go through in life. I can't pretend to understand what she endures or what struggles may come and go, but I can be an active part to her healing. I can do everything to help her, to encourage her, to love her, unconditionally. This is what I know - right now, it is all I know. And while it is painful, 'specially those days that my soon-to-be 3 year old wants to be "hold up" in her room crying all day or when the major tantrums ensue, loving her - ALL of her, is all I CAN do, all I want to do - all I AM to do.

Siblings

Now that Soph really knows how to talk, the child is full of surprises. We have been sitting in my room trying to fix my wireless network, the whole time they have been playing together and entertaining one another. So over a period of 10 minutes I have heard everything from Miss Sophie Grace - from "I don't like this necklace" to "don't touch me Bella" - - now as I am thrilled to have accomplished my router problems I must watch as Soph chases Bella on my bed screaming "I HAVE A RUNNY NOSE!" and trying to wipe it on Bella.....while Bella screams "Moooooommmmmmmmm!!!!"

It is fact now, Soph is no longer a baby and the two are truly "real" siblings...they are getting on each other's nerves, playing like friends and enemies at the same time and pointing fingers when something's been overturned or broken. It is such a pleasure to see their relationship change with each day, oh the things to come!

Note to self; wine key is located in the drawer next to the kitchen door and chocolate is on the upper shelf!!!!!!!! OY!

Derby Girls

We decided to make Derby hats this year in order to correctly celebrate our day. The girls had a blast. They had flowers and ribbons, feathers and pom poms - they looked really cute too!!!

Derby Week!

It is so nice to be in Louisville this week. There is so much going on and the festival has been fabulous. Our first official derby event was the balloon glow. Because of weather they weren't able to get all of the balloons up and lit, BUT, never the less, we had a blast. The girls just loved being out with their cousins and were thrilled to see all of the derby related things.

Your "ticket" into most events is a pegasus pin, which is the annual derby pin. Every year there are golden pins which put you in a drawing to win many things, including a Honda Odyssey or $20,000 cash....well, Soph got one of the pins!! Funny thing is, my sister has lived here for over 20 years and just said that she has never gotten one, leave it to sweet Sophie Grace. Poor Bella was so envious, I had to remind her that it's a game and if we win, it's just that "WE" win! She seemed satisfied in that. So fingers crossed, positive thoughts and hopeful energy out - I am willing the big prize guys!!! Keep your fingers crossed for us!