Happy Birthday Bella!

10 years! It just doesn't seem possible! Last night when I went to bed I peaked at Bella, and although she is 20 times the size, she is still that little girl that was born screaming. Her face still looks the same. She still has the same dimple and she still has that incredible light about her.

Right now, Bella's mattress is on the floor in my room. Sophie's room is so cold this winter that I put her bed in my room, so it only seemed fair to make it an event for them both. Anyway, you know that moment just before you wake up some mornings. When there is no alarm blaring at you, or child poking at you - when you just slowly wake to conciousness on your own, this was one of those mornings. It was so nice, I didn't hear a thing. I rolled over to pull my comforter up a bit and debate whether I could just take a couple more minutes. Well, as my eyes slowed to an open point, I felt the pull to look in one direction. As I gently patted the blanket down to look over it I caught the "pull" - Bella. The entire time I lay there waking, she was staring at me, like a hawk. Waiting with baited breath to see if I would rise so that her birthday could begin. When she noticed that I saw her, a huge grin took over her face and she waved from her corner with such enthusiam that even a circus clown would be impressed. I laughed. And as I pulled myself to the sitting position, I took stalk of this beautiful child that was walking over to me. She is something else. A phenominal work of art. Nothing short of that. Yes, she has her moments, but just like any priceless piece her colors change depending on the light shed on them, and her nuances reflect differently each time she is held, and as time passes I am seeing things I didn't see earlier. I know she is growing and that she will continue to change before my eyes. It is not possible to express just how privilaged I am to be "mom" to this child. Life with Bella is constant, life with Bella is entertaining, life with Bella is exhausting, but a life without my Bella, well, that's no life at all.

Happy Birthday Bella!! I hope this year brings to you great joy and a walk that will enable your spirit!!!! I love you beautiful girl!!!!!! More then you will ever know!!

~I love Bella, yes I do
I love Bella, how 'bout you
when you meet her you will see
She is the best big girl there could ever be!~
(circa - 2001)

Turtles

Turtles may be slow, no doubt. They certainly, in the real world, aren't winning any races. But maybe that's part of the problem, too many races. Rushing through things doesn't allow you to really learn anything or enjoy the scenery - I heard someone say today - it's not the outcome, but the journey. While the end result is hugely important, its weight can only be measured in the number of steps it took to get there.....the dance. In fact, in dancing it seems we most enjoy watching people whose feet do the fanciest work. The dance is often over so quickly that the effort it took to get there goes unnoticed. In significant portion, they practiced patience, persistance and timing. Today, I'll take it ~ the turtle! The path I am walking may not be leading me anywhere fast, and the dance may seem more like a glide then a cha cha, but I will learn to take deep breathes on the way and slow my step when I falter. I am certain that in the end, I'll be in line with the music that moves my spirit and paced on the road that is lined with hope!

Trust

When you find faith, discover how it exists in your soul, it is so easy to take for granted the things that go with it. Trust is one of them. This was an area that I have always felt very comfortable with, never considered myself to be too distrustful or untrustworthy - almost more naive then anything. But I have come to realize that the real test to faith is that leap. Certainly over the years I have dealt with situations that have made me feel this way. Those times have only brought me closer to God. Right now I am faced with a cliff so sharp my feet wain on the edge. Literally speaking, my stability is horrible, to close my eyes while standing in church during prayer I have to grasp the row in front of me to stand myself. So trusting myself physically is tough......this time though, I am closing my eyes and putting my arms out.......I am doing all that I can to believe that if I fall, if my feet lose their balance on that cliff I will be well. I am putting the outcome into God's hands. It's the realization that He is the only person, short of yourself and even more then yourself, that has your best interests at heart.

It's a tough thing to do, trust and wait. I have been reminding myself of Bella's life verse a great deal lately -
Hebrews 11:1 - Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

I'm trying! Every day that is in my head reminding me.....I am turning myself over every morning and working on myself to wait, patiently! I CAN say, without question, that I am standing. I may stumble, but I am standing.

Note to Soph....

I am in awe of how you have grown Sophie Grace. It seems since you have learned to talk in the past few months that you have really begun to blossom. So many instances this week have made me laugh or just express surprise at your reaction or comment. Earlier in the week after your nap you came and asked as you do to "cuddle more" - so we sat in my chair and watched TV for a bit until you woke up enough to play. The show we were watching had a woman on it talking about things that had recently happened to her husband, she stated that he broke his leg. You took your pug out and looked up at me in surprise and asked "BROKE LEG?" As if to question, if it was even possible. You were so surprised and disgusted at the same time and I was blown away that you understood so perfectly.

Then today, you had a runny nose, again. You kept telling me "Mommy, unning again!" - which is my cue to wipe it. At one point you came into the kitchen with your finger out and said "Mommy boogie on it" - - so I grabbed a wipe to clean your hand. Bella was there and heard and started saying "Ew gross Soph - that is so gross" - you turned to her with a big frown on your face yelling "Bella, just a boogie, COME ON - just a boogie" - - - I couldn't stop laughing!!! You are so incredibly adorable it is unbelievable.

Another thing - new favorite phrase - - "Dang it" - too funny.

Soph - you are just growing up too fast. I am so pleased with the kid that you are - you are such an incredible blessing. I am going to miss my time with you so much. There just aren't enough words.