Giants

Throughout my life there have been giants present; whether in manner of people in my life or circumstances that were difficult to combat. Each time I was proud to say that I was able to defeat my giant, to overcome my Goliath. I recently realized that there is just a circumstance that is too big for me to fight anymore. I am putting down my breastplate of faith and love, I am removing my helmet of salvation and laying down a two edged sword. My hands are free, my back is turned. My heart is broken. This Goliath is just too big.

Enlightenment

Every day is bringing me something new. I have surrounded myself with people that have similar interests and are familiar with many curve balls that can come your way in life. Through this process I am finding so much of me that has either been lost for some time or parts I didn't know even existed. There are obviously parts of me that I am very familiar with, both the kinds I am greatly proud of and yes even those that I could certainly do without. But in the midst of this time, I am learning so much more then I ever thought possible. I begin each day with such great relief ~ relief because of an enlightenment that becomes more and more clear each day. You know the metaphorical "light bulb" - well it clicks on at certain points for me throughout the day.

Today I attended another group that is hugely supportive to me. I sat in a room with about 50 men and women and listened to their stories and their thoughts. The discussion surrounded an excerpt from a book about healing; it talked of dreams lost, opportunities taken away, survival. As I watched the heads nodding and each individual responding to what they were hearing in different fashion, I noticed I felt perfectly comfortable in what others would say was a room of strangers. I understood - they understood. They have given me great gut to move in a direction that will only improve and empower my life and focus.

This has been the most difficult process in my life - but just as surely as the days I delivered the most incredible gifts in my life, I am singing the Lord's praises in it. I know that there is reason and movement and I know that I am not alone. There are little miracles and blessings every day and I will raise a thank you each morning for all that will take place in that day and will cast the same thank you to the heaven's as my head hits the pillow.

Whatever it takes!

Fear

It's a pretty scary thing. It can control every thought, every movement or choice. There are moments in the past 24 hours where fear has crept into my head and heart and filled me with so much emotion that the tears just trickle down my face. Last night there was a time I needed to regroup. I grabbed my Bible and just opened to anything; my eyes fell on Lamentations 3: 19-32. The interesting thing is I have read this passage several times before, I know this not only because as I read it became familiar, but I had marked it with a star and line around it in its entirety. I have heard so many people say that sometimes you see a message you've already read and there is something new that strikes you. To look at it as a note from the Good Guy Himself sharing something you need to hear or know. It was this way for me last night. And throughout the day today when my mind would overwhelm me, I would bring to its front key phrases from the passage. Fear is definitely an amazing creation and as easy as it would be to give in, I refuse to. I have my moments, but I know one day all will be well and as the Word tells me I will patiently wait!!!

~I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.
Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him.
Let him bury his face in the dust-there may yet be hope.
Let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace.
For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love!~

New Orleans

Today has been a great day, but lurking in the back of my heart is the sadness of how much I miss New Orleans. I think about that city daily and consider it more home than any of the many places I have lived in my 36 years. I have seen and lived on both coasts of this beautiful country, on all parts of it's oceans, and even in the middle and been blessed to live in such beautiful places as Monterey, California, Florida, New York, the mountains and beaches of the Carolinas - - and not one of those places has spoken to my heart as much as New Orleans. Don't get me wrong, I have loved other places, among them most - Winston-Salem. But there is something about NOLA, it was truly a place that I felt at home. A place where I met more people who were wonderful, who truly enjoyed life and meeting others - a city full of heart, spirit and treasures.

It's not easily forgotten and today was just a day that I took the opportunity to think in length about it. Trying to not think about NOLA or life there does me no good - - it's best if I face it head on and thank the Good Lord for introducing me to it. It was truly a place I was certain I wouldn't care greatly about, had the attitude that we would only be there a couple years ~ it was manageable with that. BUT I was so incredibly surprised, when in a very short time I learned the true heart of that city existed in all facets of it - even a vagrant in Jackson square who heard me saying that we were moving to his city - he, this man with no home, took his Mardi Gras beads and placed them on my two year old, with a big grin, saying "Welcome to our wonderful city". If that doesn't speak to it - I don't know what does.

Thinking of you NOLA - - can't wait to know you again!!!

How they know just what to say....

The girls and I spent a great deal of time just playing today. At one point, Bella and I were talking about physically taking care of your body and how important it is for all reasons. This is a conversation we have had so many times, in so many ways. I said something to her about my getting older and wanting to take care of myself so that I may be around a long time, to keep my heart healthy and my focus oriented. Bella quickly snipped at me "Mom you are not old, you are young and beautiful". She went on to say something that blew me away about our current circumstance and a what if scenario - her statement was so mature and heartfelt - I just held her face in my hands and hugged her - - Bella is such a sweet kid, so thoughtful - so full of life - just a simply happy person. That is such a special quality, one that I hope, despite what life may bring her, she holds onto.

Thank you Bella - for being so wonderful, for encouraging those around you, for your smile, for your beautiful heart~for you!

How quickly she is learning....

Sweet Sophie Grace is surprising me daily with her words. I know there will come a day that I won't remember that she didn't speak until she was almost 2 1/2 years old - that it will seem she has been speaking forever....the wonderful, yet bittersweet, part is that day will be coming very soon. At dinner tonight we were all talking and laughing and just out of the blue, she leaned into me put her arms around my neck and clearly said "I love you too Mama!"

My heart melted. I smiled and laughed with so much pride for her. Bella did too, which prompted Soph to say "Love you too Bella" - - and she began to clap.

Not to mention, just yesterday we were listening to music in my office and Sophie knocked down a part of an old trunk they play with, climbed on top with a pencil in hand and began to dance and sing like she was performing. When did that happen - - her ability to become a kid so quickly. Outside of her size there isn't a lot of baby left in her.

I am so proud of how she is growing. So many times through each day I either say to myself or someone else how terrific my girls are. I am so incredibly blessed, there is no denying it.

They are such treasures and joys to watch grow. I am so incredibly privileged.

Happy New Year!!

As Bella has been saying all week - -

"2008 is going to be GREAT!"

Wishing Peace, Happiness and Health in abundance to you all!